For nine months, almost every person I knew (and even some I didn't!) tried to tell me how much my life would change when you arrived. I tried to smile and be a good sport, as if I agreed with their wealth of wisdom. But inside I was thinking "Yeah, right. I'll make some adjustments, but I'm not going to be one of those people who lets having a child change her entire life."
God must have gotten a big kick out of that, because I'm sure He knew that motherhood would bring so many things I wasn't prepared for. Things like:
*Being so tired sometimes that I can hardly remember my own name
*Having to take a tour of our county at 3:30 a.m., to get you to go to sleep
*Thinking that 4 1/2 hours is a "good night's sleep"
*Calling myself "Mommy"
*Being amused with a game of "peep eyes" for 45 minutes
*Checking on you at night, and feeling as though my heart is lying in that crib
*Wondering if I'll ever eat a hot meal again
*The strength required to carry you in your "pumpkin seat"
*Having lost the baby weight, but still looking pregnant
*Not being able to wear my wedding ring yet
*Having cereal spit in my face
*The way my heart stops when I see you & Daddy playing together
*Not needing an excuse to watch cartoons anymore
*Crying every time I see another child hurt
*How good you smell sometimes
*How bad you smell sometimes
*Looking at you, and wondering if my mom could've possibly felt the same way about me
*Being so forgetful
*How much fun it is to hold you in my arms and dance around the living room, singing along with the radio
*When you can't stop crying, wanting to scream, "Why me, Lord?!"
*Other times, when I feel so incredibly blessed, that I whisper, "Why me, Lord?"
*Actually discussing, and caring about, which diaper brand is best
*Having my daily vocabulary include words like "poopy", "pie-pie", and "Boo Bear" (your nickname)
*How often I stop working during the day and think about how much I miss you
*Making up silly songs
*A diaper, after you've eaten carrots
*The way my heart melts when you smile
*Constantly wondering if I'm doing this "mother thing" right
I could keep adding to this list. Every day brings something I didn't expect. Although I had time to plan for you, you came into my life like a whirlwind, touching every corner of my world. Being your Mommy has been the most challenging journey of my life, and the first thing that I've known I can't do on my own.
Before you arrived, I was a confident, career-minded, in-charge-of-my-life, organized, and fairly intelligent woman. I hope you get to meet her someday, because she was pretty cool. But, for now at least, she's been replaced by your Mommy!
I wrote this when my daughter was 6 months old. It seems an appropriate entry in Scribbit's Write-Away contest, "My Life is Different Because...". I've shared the story of CJ's birth here. Indeed, 9 years later, this miracle of God continues to touch my life in unexpected ways every day.
Before CJ, I was a woman. Now I'm a mother, and that's made all the difference.