November 17, 2007

My Dearest Daughter

(Photo from MSN clipart)

Well, it's late and you've finally gone to sleep. I'm already looking forward to the morning, when I'll be able to see your smile again.

For nine months, almost every person I knew (and even some I didn't!) tried to tell me how much my life would change when you arrived. I tried to smile and be a good sport, as if I agreed with their wealth of wisdom. But inside I was thinking "Yeah, right. I'll make some adjustments, but I'm not going to be one of those people who lets having a child change her entire life."

God must have gotten a big kick out of that, because I'm sure He knew that motherhood would bring so many things I wasn't prepared for. Things like:

*Being so tired sometimes that I can hardly remember my own name
*Having to take a tour of our county at 3:30 a.m., to get you to go to sleep
*Thinking that 4 1/2 hours is a "good night's sleep"
*Calling myself "Mommy"
*Being amused with a game of "peep eyes" for 45 minutes
*Checking on you at night, and feeling as though my heart is lying in that crib
*Wondering if I'll ever eat a hot meal again
*The strength required to carry you in your "pumpkin seat"
*Having lost the baby weight, but still looking pregnant
*Not being able to wear my wedding ring yet
*Having cereal spit in my face
*The way my heart stops when I see you & Daddy playing together
*Not needing an excuse to watch cartoons anymore
*Crying every time I see another child hurt
*How good you smell sometimes
*How bad you smell sometimes
*Looking at you, and wondering if my mom could've possibly felt the same way about me
*Being so forgetful
*How much fun it is to hold you in my arms and dance around the living room, singing along with the radio
*When you can't stop crying, wanting to scream, "Why me, Lord?!"
*Other times, when I feel so incredibly blessed, that I whisper, "Why me, Lord?"
*Actually discussing, and caring about, which diaper brand is best
*Having my daily vocabulary include words like "poopy", "pie-pie", and "Boo Bear" (your nickname)
*How often I stop working during the day and think about how much I miss you
*Making up silly songs
*A diaper, after you've eaten carrots
*The way my heart melts when you smile
*Constantly wondering if I'm doing this "mother thing" right

I could keep adding to this list. Every day brings something I didn't expect. Although I had time to plan for you, you came into my life like a whirlwind, touching every corner of my world. Being your Mommy has been the most challenging journey of my life, and the first thing that I've known I can't do on my own.

Before you arrived, I was a confident, career-minded, in-charge-of-my-life, organized, and fairly intelligent woman. I hope you get to meet her someday, because she was pretty cool. But, for now at least, she's been replaced by your Mommy!


I wrote this when my daughter was 6 months old. It seems an appropriate entry in Scribbit's Write-Away contest, "My Life is Different Because...". I've shared the story of CJ's birth here. Indeed, 9 years later, this miracle of God continues to touch my life in unexpected ways every day.

Before CJ, I was a woman. Now I'm a mother, and that's made all the difference.


Alana said...

Beautiful! My favorite line...

"Checking on you at night, and feeling as though my heart is lying in that crib"

So, so true.

Blessings, friend!

Scribbit said...

Yes, very appropriate! Thanks for entering.

Janelle said...

Every word of that rang true. Motherhood really changes you and there is no way to prepare for all the aspects.

Beautiful and touching birth story. I am thankful God was protecting your womb for your beautiful daughter.

Joanne : The Simple Wife said...

Love this...especially the part about "I hope you meet her someday"! Funny how what I call Mommy Mush Brain changes us. And how it strikes at the oddest moments--even nine years later.


Mary@notbefore7 said...

*Checking on you at night, and feeling as though my heart is lying in that crib"

Ain't it the truth? They grab our hearts in the most beautiful way possible.

Daisy said...

Our little ones change us so much it's hard to express. You've managed to express it so well!

Anonymous said...

This was just lovely! That wonderful list will be a treasure for your daughter to discover one day.