May 12, 2011

One Year Later - Final Steps, Parts III & IV

Continuing to look back on the last days of our journey towards R's unemployment.  Read Part I and Part II first.

As the years passed, R would occasionally rebel against the bondage of his employment. I endeavored to convince him that we were in the promised land. I had already convinced myself. I was bold and tireless in my manipulations.

Untended weeds spread quickly, almost imperceptibly.

The new home was no longer new. I knew it would be impossible to change it into what I wanted. Even if we did, it wasn't where I wanted. Why not put R's carpentry skills to use? I reasoned.

We found the lot and the house plan. Sold the home that had seen two young people fight for their marriage, grieve the loss of a child and a father, and welcome a baby girl into the world. We crammed all the stuff into a tiny apartment where we spent the next 18 months navigating the obstacle course of boxes containing our old life. Boxes waiting for our new life were soon stacked among them.

We poured the foundation of our house and cemented R's future in a job he despised.

But God...

If it's possible to test God's patience to the limit, I did. He finally pried my hands from my ears so that I could hear Him speak about the hurt I was inflicting upon my husband and my daughter, and even myself.  He told me enough was enough. He started weeding my heart.

My oft-chronicled journey toward peace & simplicity commenced. I learned to let go of things, except one. I was still hiding the key to R's chains in my pocket, clutching it until my knuckles were white. Every time he mentioned breaking free, I assured him we were where God wanted us.

Isn't that what the Israelites thought about Egypt?

I was standing my ground. Little did I know God was about to pull the rug out from under me.

(from the archives)


Leah said...

I know about your journey, sweet Melissa. It's good to revisit it though, and to learn (and relearn) the lessons that are there for you. May your story bring others to a place of true repentance and change!

I'm slowly breaking out of my winter doldrums, and beginning to comment on the blogs I so love. Know that I have continued to read your posts, and am thinking about a post of my own.

Hugs to you!!

Heather C said...

Profound statement about weeds. And isn't it so hard to give up our clutch on everything? It seems no matter how much we let go of, there's always that one thing that we're just so reluctant to let loose. Thank you for inspiring me to examine my own life and see what the Lord might be asking me to let go of... what manipulations I might be guilty of, even subconsciously.