July 1, 2006

A Model of Imperfection

I made a mistake a few days ago. Honestly, I can't remember what it was (okay, before you go thinking that I think I don't make mistakes...I'm just saying I can't remember this particular mistake). I know it was something insignificant to me, but not to CJ. I told her I'd made a mistake & that people, in general, make mistakes. As serious and pretty as you please, she responded, "But I thought you were perfect, Mom."

I'm still trying to figure out if her comment was made out of genuine admiration for me (the kind of admiration that's usually reserved for her Daddy), or if she was being sarcastic. I'm afraid to ask, because I don't think I'd like either answer.

Although there are times I'd like nothing more than for CJ to think I'm just super, I never want her thinking I'm perfect. First, I'd fall off that pedestal faster than I run away from snakes (seriously, read this week's Thursday Thirteen!) I don't want that pressure, and I don't want to disappoint her any more than I'm sure I already have ~ and will in the future. The only model I can be for CJ is an imperfect one. But that's okay. At least I'm trying to tell myself it's okay. As much as I would like to do this whole "mothering" thing RIGHT, be a Stepford wife, and a Beth Moore clone, I'll never get there. Even though I plead with God incessantly to at least give me a LITTLE SMIDGEN of any of those things! Still, CJ needs to know that perfection stopped in Eden, but grace carries us to Heaven. HA-LE-LU-JAH!

On the other hand, CJ's comment could have been pure sarcasm (and that's a good bet, considering her parents). And that makes me wonder, have I projected to her that I think I'm perfect? In the depths of my insecurities, have I overcompensated to the point that I try to portray myself as the perfect parent/wife/woman?

One thing's for certain, no matter how CJ intended her response, the Holy Spirit used her (AGAIN) to lead me thru some deep, uncomfortable soul searching. Am I satisfied with the person God created me to be? Am I striving to be the woman He's called me to be? To be perfectly candid, I don't know. And that's scarier than the snake on my front porch.

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