April 16, 2010

No Ordinary Life

So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? - Kathleen Kelly, You've Got Mail .

Kathleen is lamenting her small, ordinary life. It's a sentiment I too often echo.

Is my life what I dreamed it would be?

Am I where I thought hoped I'd be?

The map I had for my life is lost. Visions of a big and extraordinary life that once filled my head now vanished, vapors long ascended into the skies.

I have a fantastic life. Absolutely, I do. And yet I sometimes find it difficult to accept this small, ordinary life that is mine. Small and significant battle each other, polar opposites in my mind.

Why hasn't my blog "taken off"?

Will I ever have a ministry that counts for something?

Conventional wisdom may proclaim my heart insecure, my self-confidence wounded by a direct hit from the enemy.  No...pride, self-importance, and the desire for control are the true culprits.


I repent for the sense of entitlement that pervades my soul. Confess my tendency to think of myself too highly. Pray for a circumcised heart.

Graciously, my Father reminds me that His map alone is trustworthy. His visions greater, those of the only One omniscient. His Name the only one to be glorified. He doesn't count pouring my life into my husband, my daughter, or a group of young women as small or insignificant.  He sees the beauty in the minutia, which is anything but in His eyes. He knows the value of a life surrendered to Him.

Although I am small and ordinary, He is big and extraordinary.

And once again, I am completely undone.


Anonymous said...

That line pierces my heart every time I hear it (or read it, in this case).

I too struggle with this--does a significant life equal being known by the crowd, being read by many, being quoted often by others, being asked to speak around the country? If so, I am failing as a writer and making no impact for the Kingdom. I am not known; I am read by few; I am rarely quoted; and I am asked to speak only periodically.

Is that OK? Let me reorient that: God, is that OK? Is this what You have for me or did I miss the on-ramp to living well for Your name?

I agree: Repentance of what the world calls success is necessary to follow Christ and magnify Him. If we live smallish lives by earthly standards, perhaps in the heavenly equation it will total something more? You know, that paradoxical thing.

Well, I have much to ponder. Thanks for being open here!

jenmom said...

You echo beautifully so many of the same things that go on in my heart and mind!
It is nice to know I am not alone in this battle; that I'm not totally weird or something!
Yes, we love and serve an extraordinary God, the Only True God, who is worthy of our devotion!
Have a blessed weekend sweet friend!

Lisa writes... said...

Well said, my friend. The Lord is indeed glorified in the small, ordinary clay pot kind of life, in the woman who joyfully embraces obedient obscurity! I too repent of a sense of entitlement (ouch) and of depising the small to which the Lord has called me.

Carrie said...

What a beautiful post. I, too, feel stuck sometimes - not being used enough. Not in the places and the ways I want to be used. I like the prayer, "Give me a circumcised heart." That's what it's all about, isn't it, and it's what I don't have a lot of the time! Thanks for this post!

Paula said...

Good words I needed to hear today. Thanks so much.


Alana said...

We have been working on verses about pride vs. humility with our boys recently and I remember going into it thinking that pride wasn't much of an issue for me. Ha! That in and of itself is prideful. Let's just say God's been teaching me some things!

2cats said...

I think that at one time or another we have all felt insignificant and small. We have all wondered if our lives are going in the correct direction. Is the direction our choice or God's. It is what we do with these thoughts that is important. As long as we turn to God, as you did, we can't go wrong.

Melissa in Mel's World said...

Simply beautiful my friend, thank you for sharing so authentically! There is such a blessing to everyone around when we share our heart so freely and so honestly! Thank you! ~ Melissa