News of R's pending unemployment crashed over me, a tidal wave of grief and despair. The force broke the chains of bondage R had wrestled with for so long. He was walking away, yet maddeningly unsure of his steps. I selfishly denied him time to gain his strength, to heal. His trepidation fueled my need for control.
I plotted and planned, wheels spinning and getting us nowhere. Exhausted and spent, I finally gave up.
And my sweet husband started to smile again.
I could only hang my head in shame. I'd allowed my dreams to crowd out his. I'd put myself first and stifled him in the process. I'd been unwilling to sacrifice my comfort for his.
I was heartbroken. Amazed that my husband and my Savior could still love me, knowing there was nothing beautiful about my ambition, pride, and selfishness.
We wanted a new, different life. With no clear direction on how to get there, we resigned ourselves to waiting on the Lord. For a woman who likes to know, it was excruciating. All I could do was pray.
I waited patiently for the LORD;he inclined to me and heard my cry.He drew me up from the pit of destruction,out of the miry bog,and set my feet upon a rock,making my steps secure.He put a new song in my mouth,a song of praise to our God.Many will see and fear,and put their trust in the LORD.~Psalm 40:1-3 (ESV)
With great joy, awe and humility, I'm happy to announce that our wait is over. After 17 years of wandering, of pursuing what we thought best for our lives, God has given us a way to go back to the beginning.
This fall, R returns to college. The same university as when we married.
It astounds me how God has used the past two years to prepare our hearts. Too merciful to allow us to wander anymore, He has ended our self-directed detour. Granted us a fresh start. (Except, as CJ quickly reminds us, we now have our fantastic daughter.) We are also older, wiser, more willing & ready to submit to His leadership.
Whenever R talked about returning to school, I tuned him out. There was no way we could afford it. By God's grace, we don't have to. Oh, He is good!
Today is the last day of our old life, the one we chose for our own comfort. Where this new road goes from here, I honestly don't know. But I'll be holding His hand, and my dear husband's, all the way.
(P.S. - I'm allowing comments so that you can praise the Lord with me!)