Standing there, I felt the weight of my head increase. Black spots threatened my vision. I had to sit. Slow, deliberate breaths chased the spots away temporarily, but they soon found me again. I mustered enough strength to tidy my desk, tell my boss I had to leave, and get myself home.
It was there I crashed.
Body crashed on the sofa.
Thoughts crashed in my head.
I let my mind wander back to a few days earlier when I crumpled to the bathroom floor in tears, pleading for my old life back. Wanting desperately to stop facing this obstacle in front of us and to go back to the comfort of captivity. Praying that somehow I would stop being torn into a million little pieces. I'm so afraid they'll be scattered across the earth and no one will be able to pick them all up.
All of those emotions, warning signs ignored. I plunged into the week frantic to be in the right place at the right time.
Until I was forced to stop.
For eight luxurious hours, I was alone. No one asked for help. No chores beckoned. I reveled in the solitude. I briefly stepped out of the life where there never seems to be enough time, to a respite where there was nothing except time.
Potent medicine for a worn and weary soul.
The crash taught me something vital. I need margin. Dr. Richard Swenson warns, "Don’t hide behind the excuse of overload. Daily make space in your life for the things that matter most." (excerpted from A Minute of Margin: Restoring Balance to Busy Lives180 Daily Reflections).
The cross-bearing life, coming hard after Jesus, isn't easy, but it is what matters most. My family matters most. Not the bread winning or the home keeping or the homework helping. Surely important, but not what matters most. It's only the relationship building - with God, my husband, my girl, my friends - that fuels my life and sets it aright, keeps me on course.
It's only when I remember this, and put it into practice, that I'll stay off the crash course.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ~ Matthew 11:27-29 (ESV)