May 13, 2011

One Year Later - The Final Step, The First Step

Revisiting our journey, and God's answer for a new life. Read Part I, Part II, and Parts III/IV first.

News of R's pending unemployment crashed over me, a tidal wave of grief and despair. The force broke the chains of bondage R had wrestled with for so long. He was walking away, yet maddeningly unsure of his steps. I selfishly denied him time to gain his strength, to heal. His trepidation fueled my need for control.

I plotted and planned, wheels spinning and getting us nowhere. Exhausted and spent, I finally gave up.

And my sweet husband started to smile again.

I could only hang my head in shame. I'd allowed my dreams to crowd out his. I'd put myself first and stifled him in the process. I'd been unwilling to sacrifice my comfort for his.

I was heartbroken, knowing there was nothing beautiful about my ambition, pride, and selfishness.

We wanted a new, different life.  With no clear direction on how to get there, we resigned ourselves to waiting on the Lord.  For a woman who likes to know, it was excruciating. All I could do was pray.

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the LORD.
~Psalm 40:1-3 (ESV)

With great joy, awe and humility, I'm happy to announce that our wait is over. After 17 years of wandering, of pursuing what we thought best for our lives, God has taken us back to the beginning.

This fall, R returns to college. The same university as when we married.

It astounds me how God has used the past two years to prepare our hearts. He has granted us a fresh start.  (Except, as CJ quickly reminds us, we now have our fantastic daughter.) We are also older, wiser, more willing & ready to submit to His leadership.

Whenever R talked about returning to school, I tuned him out. There was no way we could afford it. By God's grace, we don't have to. Oh, He is good!

Today is the last day of our old life, the one we chose for our own comfort. Where this new road goes from here, I honestly don't know. But I'll be holding His hand, and my dear husband's, all the way.

One year ago, my husband reported for his last day of work.  We were a mix of emotions - excited, sad, afraid, and nervous, to name a few. We didn't know what we were getting ourselves into or how it would turn out. We only knew that we could trust God.  

We were right.

And that man who was unsure about returning to school...well, he's made Dean's List both semesters!

Next week, I'll share some things I've learned in this past year.

(edited, from the archives)


Nikole Hahn said...

Congratulations! Trusting God is tough.

Carrie said...

Have loved reading this series of posts. There are a few things I didn't quite know or grasp hold of when you were originally starting this journey and it's nice to have my understanding expanded a bit. Helps me to appreciate all that you've been through a bit more! Thank you for sharing your heart on your sleeve with these posts!

Leah in Iowa said...

I'll be waiting to hear some of the things you've learned during this time of waiting and searching.

Lisa notes... said...

I'm already looking forward to what you'll share next week!