July 20, 2011

Falling

It's been a while since you posted on your blog, my husband remarked.

My posting has been sporadic, at best. Perhaps I'm growing tired of my tiny corner of the internet. Perhaps I'm hiding from guilt of knowing that the life I portray here is more often the woman I want to be rather than who I actually am.  I long to be an authentic worshiper of my Sovereign God, a woman who thinks deeply and loves fiercely.

I fall so terribly short.

I read what other women write, and I am ashamed that I cannot speak with the same knowledge and eloquence. Even my comments are not particularly thoughtful. Words, which have long been my friend, are no longer easily found.

I fall silent.

My hands are occupied with pursuits beyond the keyboard. Turning the pages of a good book. Teaching 5-year olds in Vacation Bible School. Preserving the fruits of our garden labor. Splashing my girl in the pool. Clapping to cheer my man on in softball.

I fall into bed exhausted.

Yet in all this falling, I'm grateful my life is shored up by the One who will never let me fall from His grasp.

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
~Psalm 63:5-8

5 comments:

jenmom said...

I understand the things you write in this post because they could very well be my own thoughts!
We all fall short! And I bet if the truth be told some of those other women, they most likely feel the same way!
Keep being real...that's what I love so much about reading what you write!

Persis said...

I appreciate your post, Melissa.

Life has left me with little free time now. I miss having the time to read. I want an outlet for the thoughts in my head but that takes time too. But I have to remind myself that God knows exactly what I need for this season in my life.

Carrie said...

I think a great deal of what I say on my site is the woman I WANT to be and I'm constantly reminding myself what I need to work on. But I'm thinking things through and I think that's important.

I'm always glad when you post as it gives me something to aspire to. And aspiring moves to doing and doing leads to holiness. So I'll take your posts whenever they come - and however they come.

findingthemotherlode said...

Loved this, Melissa.

Falling on His grace...I love how you write!
-E

H.E.R. Impressions said...

I discovered you via Tried With Fire. Thank you for this brutally honest post. Yes, I can also relate to portraying the "woman I want to be rather than who I actually am." Romans 7:18 is a reminder of the similar struggle Paul and all Christians before and after him have experienced: "For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find."